HAVE YOU NOTICED?

• Automobiles and driving:
  1. The driver intent on turning right on red who doesn't see the light turn green.
  2. The bumper sticker that says "Visualize Whirled Peas."
  3. Most drivers follow the car ahead too close for safety.
  4. The NURGE who sneaks closer to the light, as if that would make it turn green.
  5. The cars ahead and behind both parked so close that you can't get yours out.
  6. The ESSO-ASSO who sneaks through a gas station to avoid a red light.
  7. The HURRY-WART, speeding ahead, and stopping at the same red lights you do.
  8. Through highways always have the lowest speed limits in small towns.
  9. Police enforce speeding after accidents caused by inattentive pedestrians occur.
  10. Police ticket your RV parked on the street unless you put money in both meters.
  11. Officials who never studied traffic engineering have final say in traffic laws.
  12. The instincts of most animals guard against being eaten, not being smashed flat.
  13. There are laws drivers cannot break: The laws of physics.
• Marketing and products:
  1. You have to buy seasonal items three months before you realize you need them.
  2. Many items are packaged so you have to buy more than one.
  3. Sometimes the cost of the packaging is more than the cost of the item.
  4. Most household waste consists of newspapers, junk mail, and product packaging.
  5. Tools designed to do many functions don't do any of those functions very well.
  6. There is room to plug only one AC adaptor into a four receptacle wall outlet.
  7. Latex house paint is sold, though it can kill neighbors severely allergic to it.
  8. Toys are banned because they "might" cause injury when misused.
  9. Flex-plastic hinges never last very long.
  10. They use magnetic security tags on recorded cassettes, potentially erasing them.
  11. Soy newspaper ink smells terrible.
  12. When they discontinue the appliance, they discontinue the replacement filters too.
  13. Cordless electric appliances don't last very long.
  14. Velcro sneaker straps stick to the rug.
  15. The ATT logo looks like the Death Star in Star Wars.
  16. Computer programs never live up to expectations produced by advertizing.
• Government:
  1. The minimum wage is really a minimum tax revenue for the federal government.
  2. Raising the minimum wage minimizes jobs.
  3. Bureaucrats always have statistics ready to argue against cuts in their budgets.
  4. Liberal politicians try to punish everyone for acts criminals commit.
  5. Holding office changes politicians into "revenue and regulate" addicts.
  6. Tool safety devices required by the government prevent proper use of the tool.
  7. Who knows what recycled paper in food packaging was exposed to previously.
  8. Most people who scream about air pollution are smokers.
  9. Most people who complain about toxic waste want drugs legalized.
  10. Most people who mourn dead snail darters kill unborn babies without remorse.
  11. Officials wanting higher incomes for low income people are taxing those people.
  12. Environment rallies leave more litter to be picked up than any other event.
  13. Government can create jobs in only two ways: cut taxes, and build roads.
  14. Environmentalists aren't a majority at public hearings, they're just louder.
• Artists and art subsidies:
  1. Nobody wants to buy junk that has been glued together.
  2. Artists expect to be paid a lot of money for gluing junk together.
  3. Only the government is stupid enough to pay artists to glue junk together.
  4. A new trash disposal problem is created when artists glue junk together.
  5. The government steals money from YOU to pay artists to glue junk together.
  6. Artists want freedom to create, but expect to be paid for the results.
  7. Artists use toxic materials to make posters warning about environmental problems.
  8. The real primary colors are not the colors most artists say are primary.
• Smokers:
  1. Smokers crowd around entrances of smoke-free buildings, gassing all who enter.
  2. Other smokers collect by the building air intakes.
  3. Ex-smokers chew gum, causing respiratory distress to those allergic to latex.
  4. Smoke-free zones in restaurants that collect smoke from the smoking zones.
  5. There are more cigarette butts in litter than any other items.
• News reporters and broadcasters:
  1. Reporters always think "UFOs" when the power fails or something strange happens.
  2. Sensationalism beats accuracy every time.
  3. Reporters always take bad statistical reasoning as scientific fact.
  4. Editors and announcers always take anything coming over the wire service as true.
  5. Pulitzer prizes tend to go toward articles with liberal viewpoints.
  6. The real object is not reporting the truth, but selling papers and advertizing.
  7. News people see many tragedies, and become liberals because "somebody must act."
• Humanship:
  1. Janitors complain more about changes in room scheduling than anyone else.
  2. When the need arises, any tool becomes a hammer.
  3. That mail bomb that had the bomber's return address on it.
  4. Emergencies needing professional help tend to start on Saturday nights.
  5. Doctors must take special lessons in illegible writing.
  6. People ask stupid questions for a reason.
  7. People give stupid answers for a reason.
  8. There are never enough important positions available for all of the important people in the world.
  9. A bird in the hand is too small to eat.
  10. You can't make it foolproof. Fools are too ingenious.
  11. There are 3 kinds of people, those who can count, and those who cant.
• New Laws of Physics:
  1. When a body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
  2. Things get worse under pressure.
  3. In order for something to become clean, something else must become dirty.
  4. You can get everything dirty without getting anything clean.
  5. If the facts don't fit the theory, they must be disposed of.
  6. A flying object will seek the nearest eye.
  7. Water will always seek the spot under a car door.
  8. A dropped tool will penetrate your foot, or roll to the most inaccessible place.
  9. Don't force it. Use a bigger hammer.
  10. All scientific advances depend on a mistake being made.
  11. The greater the budget, the longer it takes to make the mistake.
  12. The nature of matter is to tend toward the hidden flaw.
• Handy Guide to Modern Science:
  1. If it's green or it wriggles, Biology.
  2. If it stinks, Chemistry.
  3. If it doesn't make sense, Economics.
  4. If you have to dig it up, Paleontology.
  5. If it's too old, Archaeology.
  6. If it looks funny, Optics.
  7. If it sounds funny, Acoustics.
  8. If it sounds dreadful, Musicology.
  9. If it sounds awful, Audio Technology.
  10. If it's too far away, Astronomy.
  11. If it's too big, Cosmology.
  12. If it's too small, Microscopy.
  13. If it's chancy, Probability.
  14. If it makes people mad, Political Science.
  15. If it proves someone's point, Statistics.
  16. If it's still there, Ecology.
  17. If it's gone, Criminology.
  18. If it does calisthenics, Kinesiology.
  19. If it's expensive, Medicine.
  20. If it ruins everything, Government.
  21. If it repeats itself, History.
  22. If it doesn't work, Physics.
  23. If it's tiny and it still doesn't work, Quantum Mechanics.
• Other:
  1. Cats never leave throw rugs where you want them to stay.
  2. If you stick the bristles of two toothbrushes together, they'll stay together.
  3. A compact disc is as useless without the player as the player is without CDs.
  4. The newer "Star Trek" shows use movie transport cases as cargo containers.
  5. Manned hot-air balloons roar intermittently.
  6. It is impossible to prove that something doesn't exist.
  7. What's an "emergency Dictaphone repair" classified as?
  8. Teach a man how to fish, and you get rid of him on weekends.
• Murphological Oddities:
  1. Murphy's Laws:
     • #1 It's never as easy as it looks.
     • #2 Everything will take longer than you think it will.
     • #3 If anything can go wrong, it will.
     • #4 If anything can't go wrong, it will anyway.
     • #5 The trouble goes away the moment the expert arrives to set things right.
  2. Larry's Collegiate Conundrum: The janitor's permission is needed to hold class.
  3. Orwell's Observation: Environmentalists will destroy the world trying to save it.
  4. The Apollo 13 rule: If only one system has no backup, it will fail first.
  5. You can know something is wrong only if an odd number of mistakes has been made.
  6. When things go wrong, the only thing people agree on is that a mistake was made.
  7. Original documents will be destroyed by the copying machine.
  8. All suppliers in town will be out of the one thing you need most urgently.
  9. The most important part in your design will be discontinued by the manufacturer.
  10. Project completion rule: Use these formulas to interpret a contractor's estimate.
      • Software:
        1. First: Double the number given on the estimate.
        2. Second: Change the unit of measure to the next higher unit.
        3. The result is the corrected estimate. Examples:
           • A project estimated to take two months will actually take four years.
           • A project estimated to cost $300 will actually cost 600 grand.
      • Hardware and construction:
        1. Multiply the number given in the estimate by 3.
        2. Add 1 to the product.
        3. The result is the corrected estimate. Examples:
           • An estimated use of 600 board feet will actually use 1801 board feet.
           • A project estimated to take 2 months will take 7 months.

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