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NEW RELIGIONS?

The following seem to be new religions, based on my observations of the activities of the members of these sects. Each sect has all of the characteristics of a religion except a name. So I thought I would coin a few names to be used for these new religions:

• Antidiluvianism

  Deity worshiped: Perfection in nature

  People of this faith want to return everything to the way things were before the Biblical Flood. Among their goals is the complete removal of carnivorous activity from the face of the earth. Little do they know that it can't be done by earthly effort, but it is one of the prophecies of the Christian afterlife.

• Belugaphilia

  Deity worshiped: Animals

  This group wants to save the whales, and all other endangered species, no matter what the cost is to humans. It's odd that they support human abortion, since it takes the lives of the innocent. Motto: "Save the Cetus; kill the fetus!"

• Clintonistism

  Deity worshiped: Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton

  Members believe that former President Clinton and his wife are the perfect role models.

• Controlism

  Deity worshiped: Controlling other people

  The belief of the controlist is to control the actions of other people.

• Cyclotarianism

  Deity worshiped: Bicycle riding

  This strange group believes that anyone riding a bicycle is somehow endowed with immunity to both traffic laws and traffic accidents.

• Duitmywayism

  Deity worshiped: Self-importance

  The goal in life of members of this sect is to make others obey them.

• Egaliprolitarianism

  Deity worshiped: Equality

  This is the belief that everyone should be required to be both equally poor and equally inept. A subsect exists:

  • Stupiditarianism

    Deity worshiped: The Three Stooges

    Their goal in life is to be stupid.

• Elvisalivism

  Deity worshiped: Elvis Presley

  This group believes that Elvis Presley is alive, and is possibly working at Area 51 to restore the Marie Celeste.

• Entertainophilia

  Deity worshiped: Entertainment

  This group tries to get as much entertainment as is possible. One side-effect of this belief is government sponsorship of entertainment and entertainment facilities.

• Entertainophobianism

  Deity worshiped: Boredom

  This group believes that anyone who is entertained is sinning. The Taliban produced their religion by combining Islam and Entertainophobianism.

• Frisbeeterianism

  Deity worshiped: Frisbees

  They believe that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof, and you can't get it down

• Gimmeanism

  Deity worshiped: Government handouts

  They spend their entire lives in the quest of their holy grail: free handouts from the government. They also pursue government regulations that stop others from annoying them. Two subsects exist:

  • Givernmentarianism

    Deity worshiped: Government

    This subsect of the Gimmeans worships everything government does, but especially what government gives away.

  • Windfallitus

    Deity worshiped: Dance

    This group considers all government subsidies as windfalls from heaven.

• Gotterphobia

  Deity worshiped: The absence of religion

  This group works extremely hard to try to remove all other religions from the earth.

• Hollywoddism

  Deity worshiped: Movie stars and critics

  This belief is divided into several overlapping sects, each with a belief first created either by a scene in a film or by the activities found in movie production.

  • Actoritarianism

    This group believes that every statement made on TV by an actor or actress must be the absolute truth.

  • Boxofficitus

    Their entire standard of behavior is determined by the contents of the films with the highest current box-office receipts.

  • Cartoonistism

    They believe that cartoons are real. Because of this, they believe that, because cartoon animals can talk, both real animals and cartoon animals have souls.

  • Caviarianism

    Deity worshiped: Fish eggs

    This group exists solely for the purpose of eating fish eggs.

  • Criticaria

    Their entire standard of behavior is determined by the contents of the films with the highest acclaim by critics.

  • Curianism

    This group pursues all forms of happiness that have ever been recorded on film.

  • Darkfuturianism

    Deity worshiped: A phonograph record on a forked stick.

    This sect believes that, after the next world war, the entire world will become barbaric and will consist of city-states ruled by dictators.

  • Diluvianism

    This group sees the future world as an ocean with a few islands after global warming melts the ice caps.

  • Fremenism

    This group believes a messiah will come and use sandworms to remove polluters from the planet.

  • Homo-Darwinism

    This sect believes that homosexuality is genetically inherited, despite evidence to the contrary. Their evidence for this belief consists of the statements of actors and actresses who swear that this is true. This evidence is supported by phony scientific studies that were designed solely to prove that these actors and actresses are telling the truth.

  • Impurianism

    This is the most active sect of the Hollywodds. They actively seek every impure thing, especially the ones shown in R, NC-17, and X-rated films. Also, if the Bible says not to do something, they do it religiously.

  • Jedi Knightism

    Deity worshiped: The Force

    Spawned by Star Wars, this group tries to tap "The Force" to do strange things. They also try to glow in the dark after they die.

  • Liberalfuturianism

    This dangerous sect believes that humans will evolve into a race of politically-correct liberals.

  • Popmusicanism

    This group uses as its standard of behavior the lyrics of the currently top-rated songs.

  • Ratingarianism

    Their entire standard of behavior is determined by the contents of the films with film ratings having the strictest admission restrictions.

  • Sandistasm

    This group sees the future world as a desert after global warming strips the water from the earth.

  • Scoffilantism

    Deity worshiped: Arnold Swartzenegger

    This group believes in taking the law into their own hands.

  • Setian Belief

    Due to what they see in films, this group believes in extraterrestrials.

  • Teevyism (or Televism)

    Television is their god, and it must be served through continuous watching.

• Kennedyism

  Deity worshiped: The Kennedy clan, and especially John F Kennedy

  This group deifies John F Kennedy, and worships the rest of the Kennedy clan.

• Muckstuckerism

  Deity worshiped: Mud

  This group does nothing but try to get both their trucks and their bodies stuck in thick deep mud.

• Niceratism

  Deity worshiped: Being nice

  The entire purpose of this group is forcing everyone to be nice to each other, with strict penalties for disobedience of their beliefs. They would prefer to live under a dictator rather than fight to preserve their freedoms.

• NIMBYite Squatism

  Deity worshiped: Solitude

  This group acts vigorously to prevent anyone from changing the use of any parcel of land near their homes.

• Obamalamaism

  Deity worshiped: Barack Obama

  Members believe that Barack Obama is the savior of the world.

• Paxism

  Deity worshiped: Peace

  This group acts vigorously to prevent war at any cost to themselves and others.

• Pedestarianism

  Deity worshiped: Walking

  Similar to the Cyclotarians, this strange group believes that anyone on foot is somehow endowed with immunity to both traffic laws and traffic accidents.

• Safetyism

  Deity worshiped: Safety from all possible sources of injury or harm

  This group is out to destroy or prohibit anything that can possibly cause injury or harm to anyone. Little do they know that nothing in this world is safe.

• Taxic Waste Worship

  Deity worshiped: Tax revenues

  The main goal of this sect is to spend as much tax revenue on trifles as is humanly possible. They ignore what their increased taxes do to other people, but of course, they always seem to get out of paying taxes themselves.

• Wasteoclastism

  Deity worshiped: Ecological efficiency

  Members of this group destroy any property they find which they deem to be a waste of natural resources. Favorite targets: SUVs, construction sites, and outdoor lights.

• Workpasserism

  Deity worshiped: Making others work harder

  This group is devoted to eliminating anything that makes life easier, so that others have to work harder or use more of their time to do their work. But strangely, the members are never willing to do this harder work themselves.

• Wubbulism

  Deity worshiped: Dr Seuss

  This strange group bases its liberal beliefs on the literary works of "Doctor" Theodor Seuss Geisel.

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