One day, a curious woman named Vicky found a large wooden crate at her front door. Strange birdlike noises were heard coming from within. So she took the crate inside, and pried open the lid.
Out hopped, flew, and bounced a large number of very strange talking birds. They gathered around her and began to jabber.
Throbbin robber: "I'm a Throbbin Robber. I feel your pain!"
My-Way Blue-Jay: "Not so fast! I'm a My-Way Blue Jay. Obey me!"
Cureaubrat Twit: "I'm a Cureaubrat Twit. I can solve anything."
Taxic Raptor: "Taxes can't hurt you. I should know. I'm the Taxic Raptor."
Polly the Policy Parrot: "Squawk! Government first! Government first!"
200 Hollywodd Starlings (always in unison): "Government first! Government first!"
Pollution Pigeon: "I'm the Pollution Pigeon. I want to stop all pollution."
200 Hollywodd Starlings: "Stop all pollution!"
20 Simulation Wrens: "Our computer simulations show the world will be destroyed by pollution in just a few years. We are Simulation Wrens, so we know."
200 Hollywodd Starlings: "All pollution kills!"
Vicky: "Are these the same simulations that predicted the 12 inches of 'partly cloudy' I shoveled from my driveway last week?"
20 Simulation wrens: "Yes, but that is...."
Decrying Warbler: "Don't listen to her. She is blaspheming Political Correctness! Somebody shut her up!"
Polly the Policy Parrot: "Squawk! Government first! Government first!"
200 Hollywodd Starlings: "Government first! Government first!"
Program Bowerbird: "I, the Program Bowerbird, say we need a program to silence dissenters!"
200 Hollywodd Starlings: "Shut up, Vicky! Shut up!"
Vicky: "Wait a minute! How do you know my name?"
Cureaubrat Twit: "We have lots of files on you."
Vicky: "This is my house! You should not boss your host around while you are in the host's house."
Taxic Raptor: "It is? Did you pay your property taxes on it?"
200 Hollywodd Starlings: "Pay your taxes!! Pay your taxes!"
Cureaubrat Twit: "If not, we will auction it off for the back taxes. Government comes first!"
Polly the Policy Parrot: "Squawk! Government first! Government first!"
200 Hollywodd Starlings: "Government first! Government first!"
60 Nit Twits: "That doesn't matter. We Nit Twits say this house is painted the wrong color, and you must repaint it immediately."
Pollution Pigeon: "And you can't use paints with heavy metal pigments!"
Vicky: "You shouldn't have any say in the color of my house! I get to choose what color my house is, because I live here!"
Cureaubrat Twit: "No you can't! We are the ones who have to look at it."
60 Nit Twits: "Bleaugh! It's ugly! We hate that color."
Vicky: "That is my favorite color!"
20 Simulation Wrens: "This woman is not all there if she likes that color!"
Taste Tern: "I, the Taste Tern, declare this color to be in poor taste. It must be changed immediately, if not sooner."
My-Way Blue-Jay: "Government must decide this, for the good of the whole!"
Polly the Policy Parrot: "Squawk! Government first! Government first!"
200 Hollywodd Starlings: "Government first! Government first!"
Decrying Warbler: "This woman is crazy. She disagrees with government!"
Cureaubrat Twit: "She needs to be educated more."
200 Hollywodd Starlings: "Educate her! Send her to Liberal School!"
My-Way Blue-Jay: "She should be in prison for what she said!"
Compromise Owl: "I'm a Compromise Owl. For a compromise, send her to prison school. She must learn that government comes first!"
Polly the Policy Parrot: "Squawk! Government first! Government first!"
200 Hollywodd Starlings: "Government first! Government first!"
Generis Grede: "Generis Grede here! We will need more taxes if we want to give her this education at no cost to her."
Throbbin robber: "I feel your pain! We need to set up user fees for this."
Compromise Owl: "Let's compromise. Do both!"
Vicky: "We can't afford more taxes!!"
Decrying Warbler: "This woman is crazy. She still disagrees with government!"
Vicky: "You are all extremely rude! Get back in your crate right now!"
20 Simulation Wrens: "Our computer simulations show that, to fit us all back in, you would need a bigger crate."
Cureaubrat Twit: "Wouldn't it be easier to just put Vicky in the crate?"
Program Bowerbird: "An excellent idea! A program to provide crates for the homeless!"
Vicky: "But I already have a home!"
Generis Grede: "We should take this house apart to make 300 crates to give the homeless."
Compromise Owl: "Excellent! Then Vicky doesn't have to repaint it. A great compromise!"
Cureaubrat Twit: "An excellent solution!"
Taxic Raptor: "Tax the boards first!"
Polly the Policy Parrot: "Squawk! Government first! Government first!"
200 Hollywodd Starlings: "Government first! Government first!"
Vicky picks up the telephone and dials:
"Hello, Animal Control?"
---
"I want to report that around 300 birds have invaded my home, and are threatening to tear it
down."
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"What do you mean by 'You can't disturb the habitat'? They just arrived."
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Taxic Raptor: "Did you pay your telephone tax?"
---
"In a crate!"
---
"No, it's not great. It's a CRATE! C - R - A - T - E! A wooden box!"
---
My-Way Blue-Jay: "Hang up the phone! I said so!"
---
"I don't think the human body can do that. Goodbye!!!!
Cureaubrat Twit: "You are stuck with us. In fact, we are your new parents."
Program Bowerbird: "Oh, Good! Our latest program!!! We act as parents to all of the people in the country"
Vicky: "I thought parents came in pairs, not mobs. Besides, you would make very poor parents the way you run the government."
Cureaubrat Twit: "What's wrong with the way we run government? It works!"
Decrying Warbler: "This woman is crazy. She again disagrees with government! She needs to be committed!"
Compromise Owl: "Magnificent! Instead of tearing down the house, we can just commit Vicky, and move 300 homeless people in here. A master compromise!"
Taste Tern: "Provided the house is repainted!"
Throbbin robber: "I feel her pain! But then we need more money for healthcare"
Program Bowerbird: "Oh! Our healthcare program! We still need more money for that!"
Taxic Raptor: "We need to raise the taxes!"
20 Simulation Wrens: "Our computer simulations show that the economy can take a 120 percent tax rate."
Cureaubrat Twit: "But we have to commit her according to the law. Let's form a committee!"
Generis Grede: "I heard that she discriminates against homosexuals!"
60 Nit Twits: "That's enough to commit someone by itself!"
Taste Tern: "Her terrible taste in color shows an unbalanced mind."
Pollution Pigeon: "She pollutes too. She has an air conditioner and a car!"
My-Way Blue-Jay: "Commit her! I said so! Do what I say!"
Decrying Warbler: "And she disagrees with government!"
Polly the Policy Parrot: "Squawk! Government first! Government first!"
200 Hollywodd Starlings: "Government first! Government first!"
Cureaubrat Twit: "Then it's agreed! We commit her!"
200 Hollywodd Starlings: "Commit her! Commit her!"
Vicky: "Don't I have any say in this matter?"
All of the birds: "NO!!"
Throbbin robber: "Let her feel our pain! We shall drive her crazy!"
Compromise Owl: "Perfect! We kill our problems with one procedure. A super compromise!"
"So, all we need is to all start talking at the same time!. A wonderful Provided the house is compromise! We need to I feel her pain! She needs repainted! What do we talk Let's see what is on We need to raise discuss this further. As of now, Our computer simulations show that this about? I have some Look! It seems to be therapy. But we need to pay television. I'll turn on channel 2! we are lacking in suitable material. "She discriminates! plan will work. All we have to do is more taxes! She isn't succumbing fast working. Her eyes are ideas. Put my favorite color Government first! Government Use these sledgehammers to smash drifting and She disagrees with rolling back. It works! Commit Squawk! Government first! Government first! enough! Try shock therapy! in this room. She hates it. for healthcare! Jabber! her! Drive her air conditioner and first! Government first!; her crazy! I said the government she should love. her car! Squawk! Government first! Government first Awk! keep jabbering. so! Do what I say! Government first! Government first!"
Cureaubrat Twit: "Look! It worked! She went nuts! We can commit her!"
200 Hollywodd Starlings: "Commit her! Commit her!"
So the men in the white coats came and hauled her away.
Years later, Vicky is in heaven with God. Her troubles with earthly government are over.
Meanwhile, satan has just taken delivery of a strange crate at the gates of hell. He has a crowbar....