STRANGENESS IN ENGLISH

A LIST TO AMUSE, EDIFY, AND EDUCATE

Contents:

1. Only-word puzzle
2. Dangling conversations
3. Amphiboly
4. Secure the building???
5. Not quite what was meant
6. Metaphors: mixed
7. Strange when translated
8. British, or English?
9. Obvious meanings that aren't
10. Slanguage (clean)
11. HOME

Here is the list:

1. What is the ONLY word can be added anywhere in the following sentence to produce ten more sentences with distinct meanings?

   I helped my dog carry my friend's slippers yesterday.

   To the Answer

2. Dangling constructions can be extremely funny:
   • Having been shot in the stern, the captain ordered the ship towed back to port. (But how did the captain get shot in the stern?)
   • While driving through the woods, several deer were seen. (I didn't know deer could drive.)
   • Before being indicted, President Clinton wanted to discuss the matter with Susan McDougal. (Who was indicted?)
   • While not a life-and-death situation, many people think the present system of voting is unfair. (Can too many people thinking be a life-and-death situation?)
   • When inserting the disk into the drive, the label must be toward the user and face up. (You mean labels can insert disks?)
   • After finding O.J. Simpson not guilty, the press thought the jury was wrong. (When did the press start issuing verdicts?)
   • While taking Him to Golgotha, the cross was carried by Simon of Cyrene. (Huh? Who? What?)
3. Amphiboly is confusing one meaning of a word with another. Sentence order can distort meanings. All of these sentences can have more than one meaning. See how many you can find:
   • He saw that gasoline can explode.
   • He attacked the chair with a saw.
   • The police cited him for his efforts.
   • Alcoholic law students don't pass the bar.
   • The city solemnly remembers its late bus expert.
   • Trash can refuse to be moved. (sign)
   • I'm taking it in to get it fixed.
   • I see the President is falling down on the job again.
   • Do you see the girl next to that white car with slacks on? (Car with what?)
   Headlines can be even funnier:
   • Milk drinkers turn to powder
   • Eye drops off shelves
   • Irwin slams Open door
   • District dumps plan to take other trash
   • Red tape holds up Justice Building
   • How to lick dog's leg sores
   • Babies are what the mother eats
   • Criminal investigators hold up traffic
   • Oblong man marries Normal woman (Towns in Illinois)
   • Edberg rolls in opener
   • Funeral services for man who refused to hate Thursday
   • Drunk gets 9 months in violin case
   • Live bands return to Mars if they cough up the bucks (A bar in Bloomington IN)
   • Miller bombs rain down on Puerto Rico (Is this war? No! It's basketball.)
   • Goliath falls in Cup (The Americas Cup)
   • Hall of Fame shuts door on veterans
   • Senate passes domestic violence
   • Politicians anger citizens, poll workers
   • Exploding toilet floods Poland (Poland Hall)
   • Man shot in back, head found in street
   • Court dumps trash laws
   • Baseball talks in 9th inning
   • Storm delayed by bad weather (Desert Storm)
   • Threats keep traffic light in Haiti
   • Neighborhood incensed by priest
   • Senate approves dishonesty policy
   • Environmentalists like NAZIs
   • Board suspends policeman in wardrobe case
   • HP Terminals keep Sun up at night
4. Now take a simple phrase, "Secure the building," and see the different meanings different occupations attach to it:
   • Navy: Turn out the lights and lock the doors.
   • Army: Post guards to prevent anyone from entering.
   • Marines: Take the building. Guard it with your lives. Destroy it if necessary.
   • Air Force: Rent it for 18 months, with an option to buy.
   • Prison: Post guards to prevent anyone from exiting.
   • Federal Bureaucrat: Put metal detectors at entrances; deploy truck-bomb squads.
   • Exterminator: Close all windows, evacuate everyone, then set off bug bombs.
   • Gas Company: Open all windows, then test for leaks.
   • Water Company: Turn off the water at the street valve.
   • Power Company: Pull out the electric meter, shutting off all power.
   • Electrician: Pull out the electric meter, shutting off all power.
   • Plumber: Turn off the main valve.
   • Police: Surround the building with cops and SWAT teams.
   • University department head: Get more space from the physical plant.
   • University security guard: Walk through the building once an hour and look bored.
   • Nuclear Regulatory Commission: Check everything with a Geiger counter.
   • Museum: Lock everyone in, search them, check the inventory.
   • Mayberry Jail: Take the keys off the hook; give Barney his bullet.
   • Real Estate Agent: Have an accepted offer with no stipulations.
   • Janitor: Lock the doors, mop the floors, and clean the fixtures.
   • Senator: Get all reporters out of the Capitol.
   • Campaign Manager: Make sure no opposition party spies are present.
   • CIA: Check for wiretaps, bugs, and other clandestine devices.
   • FBI: Shoot it full of holes.
   • EPA: Check for traces of hazardous materials and pollutants.
   • Ball Park: Make sure nobody gets in without a ticket.
   • Demolition Crew: What building?
   • Union Thug: Keep the scabs out.
   • Foreman: Keep the union thugs out.
   • California Contractor: Make it earthquake resistant.
   • Toon: Erase the doors and windows.
   • Outbuilding Sales: Screw the anchors into the ground.
   • Computer Manager: Install anti-virus software and a firewall.
   • Speculator: Make an offer before anyone else knows it's for sale.
   • Landlord: Put in a cheap buzzer lock and intercom system.
5. Sometimes we say not quite what we mean:
   • I need to cook that meat. Unthaw it for me.
   • If you can't call them back that business day, call them and tell them so.
   • The person at the door was only a man looking for the wrong house.
   • Chain mail is discouraged on the Internet. (Are plate mail and gauntlets OK?)
   • The State-of-the-Teacher's-Union Address.
   • Barack Osama
   • A Gynecologist is an expert in women and other diseases.
   • He accused the greedy of being elderly.
   • It was a conspiracy to obey the law.
   • Anyone who believes a word of this movie will not be admitted.
   • Test them? What for? They're gonna break anyway.
   • He suffered a bone in his left thumb.
   • The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
   • How can they call a computer a durable good when they're obsolete in two years?
   • Hillary disqualified herself from ever being a lady by becoming a lawyer.
   • Obama Bin Laden
6. Metaphors can be amusing, or distressing when mixed:
   • Waiter, this Manhattan tastes like New Jersey.
   • Too many cooks in the bush earn the worm.
   • He goes jumping headlong with both feet.
   • Politically arranged royal marriages: Here comes the bribe.
   • Declarations are all of the mumbo jumbo at the beginning of a computer program.
   • Government is like a sink. Either it's stopped up, or everything goes down the drain.
   • Don't cross your bridges before they are hatched.
   • Shareware is foot-in-the-door software.
   • You're not a good lawyer if you can't get a bunch of people fighting.
   • Hypertext is a word out of place.
   • 1996 Republican primaries: Someone dropped a Fizzy in the country.
   • Life is a dirty trick.
   • Old computers had pixels the size of jumbo shrimp.
   • Stupidity is reflexive, symmetric, transitive, and indestructible.
   • I have seen the truth, and it makes no sense.
   • Clintoon: The empathizer bunny. (just keeps moaning and ...)
   • The three sexes are: masculine, feline, and neutered.
   • Track and field is the Brigadoon of athletics.
   • There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't.
   • A bird in the hand feels funny.
   • Clintoon got them to renew his sitcom for 4 more years.
   • The Supreme Court has given us a fill-in-the-blank constitution.
   • A midget spiritualist who escaped from jail is a small medium at large.
   • In programming, a good procedure is a finely honed tool, not a Swiss Army Knife.
   • The three balls in front of a pawnshop mean it's two-to-one you don't get it back.
   • A scandal is like a new ketchup bottle: It stays bottled up, then it all comes out at once.
7. Some names and things are a little strange when translated into English:
   • Amarillo = Yellow (Spanish)
   • America = Land of Amerigo Vespucci (Italian)
   • Albion = England (Latin)
   • Andros = Male (Greek)
   • Angus = Difficulty (Scottish)
   • Antarctica = Opposite the Arctic (Latin)
   • Antiguas = Old Ones (Spanish)
   • Argentina = Silver Land (Portuguese)
   • Arroyo Seco = Dry Gulch (Spanish)
   • Asuncion = Ascension (Portuguese)
   • Augusta = Honors (Latin)
   • Australia = South Land (Latin)
   • bank = banco = bench (Latin)
   • bankrupt = banco roto = broken bench (Latin)
   • Baton Rouge = Red Stick (French)
   • beer = water hole (Hebrew)
   • Bethel = House of God (Hebrew)
   • Boca Raton = Mouse Mouth (Spanish)
   • Boca Loca = Crazy Mouth (Spanish)
   • Buenos Aires = Good Air (Portuguese)
   • Cabeza de Vaca = Cow Head (Spanish)
   • Cairn = Heap of Rocks (?)
   • Calaboose = Calabozo = Dungeon (Spanish)
   • Calisthenics = Beautiful Strength (Latin)
   • Calumet = Ceremonial Pipe (Calumet Indian)
   • Carnival = Removal of Meat (French)
   • Cartagena = Carthage (Spanish)
   • centurion = commander of 100 men (Latin)
   • chess = shah = king (Iranian)
   • Colombia = Columbus Land (Spanish)
   • Corpus Christi = Body of Christ (Latin)
   • Costa Mesa = Table Coast (Spanish)
   • Costa Rica = Rich Coast (Spanish)
   • coup = coup de etat = blow to the state (French)
   • coulee = gulley = small valley (French)
   • crayon = pencil (French)
   • dossier = folder (French)
   • Ecuador = Equator (Spanish)
   • El Guapo = The Handsome One (Spanish)
   • El Indio = The Indian (Spanish)
   • El Paso = The Border Crossing (Spanish)
   • El Salvador = The Savior (Spanish)
   • Essex = Eastern Saxony (Anglo-Saxon)
   • Eureka = I Found It (Greek)
   • Excelsior = Still Higher (Swiss)
   • Florida = Flowered (Spanish)
   • gauche = left (direction) (French)
   • Giuseppe Verdi = Joe Green (Italian)
   • Guyana = Guinea = Africa (Spanish)
   • Harrisburg = Fortress of Harris (German)
   • Hogan = Mud Hut (Navajo)
   • Jerusalem = Oasis of the Jebusites (Hebrew)
   • Keys = Cays = Islands (Spanish)
   • La Paz = Peace (Spanish)
   • Las Cruces = The Crosses (Spanish)
   • Liberia = Land of Liberty (Latin)
   • Loch Raven = Raven Lake (Scottish)
   • Los Angeles = The Angels (Spanish)
   • Madre de Dios = Mother of God (Spanish)
   • Majorca = Major Cay = Big Island (Spanish)
   • Merced = Mercy (Spanish)
   • Mercedes = Mercies (Spanish)
   • Mesa = Table (Spanish)
   • Mesa Verde = Green Table (Spanish)
   • Metropolis = City (Latin)
   • Miami = Name of tribe transplanted to Florida from Indiana
   • Milagros = Miracles (Spanish)
   • Minorca = Little Island (Spanish)
   • Mount Blanc = White Mountain (French)
   • Montenegro = Black Mountain (Portuguese)
   • Montevideo = I See a Mountain (Portuguese)
   • Naples = Neapolis = New City (Latin)
   • Netherlands = Nederland = Lands Below Sea Level (Dutch)
   • Nevada = Snowy (Spanish)
   • Norge = Norway (Norse)
   • Opus = A Work (Latin)
   • ordnance = legal ammunition (French)
   • Orogrande = Big Gold (Spanish)
   • Paraguay = Like Africa (Spanish)
   • Patagonia = Land of Big Feet (Portuguese)
   • Piedras Negras = Black Rocks (Spanish)
   • Plano = Flat (Spanish)
   • Plymouth - Mouth of the River Ply (Anglo-Saxon)
   • Pontiac = Name of Indian Chief (Detroit)
   • Porto Alegre = Happy Port (Portuguese)
   • Pueblo = Town (Pueblo Indian, Mexican Spanish)
   • Puerto Rico = Rich Port (Spanish)
   • regime = government (French)
   • Rio Grande = Big River (Spanish)
   • Rio Plata = Silver River (Spanish)
   • Sacramento = Holy Communion (Spanish)
   • Saltillo = Little Leap (Spanish)
   • San Antonio = Saint Anthony (Spanish)
   • San Bernardino = Saint Bernard (Spanish)
   • San Francisco = Saint Francis (Spanish)
   • San Jose = Saint Joseph (Spanish)
   • San Juan = Saint John (Spanish)
   • San Luis Obispo = Bishop Saint Louis (Spanish)
   • San Pablo = Saint Paul (Spanish)
   • San Pedro = Saint Peter (Spanish)
   • San Salvador = Saint Savior (Spanish)
   • Santa Ana = Saint Ann (Spanish)
   • Santa Fe = Holy Faith (Spanish)
   • Santiago = Saint James (Spanish)
   • Santo Domingo = Holy Sunday (Spanish)
   • Savannah = Semi-arid Land (Latin)
   • Sierra Madre = Mother Mountain (Spanish)
   • Sierra Nevada = Snowy Mountain (Spanish)
   • sinister = left (direction) (Latin)
   • Sussex = Southern Saxony (Anglo-Saxon)
   • Swartzwald = Black Forest (German)
   • Terre Haute = High Ground (French)
   • Tierra Del Fuego = Fire Land (Portuguese)
   • Tijuana = Aunt Jane (Spanish)
   • Trevlac = Calvert (founder) spelled backwards
   • Trinidad = Trinity (Spanish)
   • tuba = trumpet (Latin)
   • Vienna = Wine (Austrian)
   • Walden = Wooded (German)
   • Wessex = Western Saxony (Anglo-Saxon)
8. What British and Scottish words are in American English:
   • adjustable spanner = monkey wrench
   • bangers = sausages
   • block of flats = apartment house
   • boffin = college professor
   • bonnet = hood of car
   • boot = trunk of car
   • brakesman = brakeman (train)
   • buffer = bumper (of car)
   • carriage = passenger car (horse, auto, or train)
   • carriageway = one strip of pavement (of a highway)
   • condenser = capacitor
   • dolly bird = beautiful girl
   • down (direction) = away from London
   • driver = engineer (train)
   • dual carriageway = divided highway
   • earthed = connected to ground
   • Fells = Steep slopes
   • flat = apartment
   • guard = conductor (train)
   • give way = yield the right-of-way
   • HALT = STOP (sign)
   • honk = vomit
   • hoot = blow horn
   • hooter = horn
   • kerb = curb
   • jerry-built = kludged up = poorly made
   • junction = crossroads
   • lay-by = a place a car or train can pull off the main line
   • lift = elevator
   • Loch = Lake
   • lorry = truck
   • Macintosh = raincoat
   • metals = rails of a railroad
   • motorway = freeway
   • Moors = Mud Flats
   • nearside = the side you drive on = the left
   • off (business) = sold out
   • off (signal) = green light = go signal
   • offside = the side for opposing traffic = the right
   • on (signal) = red light = stop signal
   • Parly = vehicle carrying passengers at government regulated rates
   • pillar = mail box
   • plinth = mounting board
   • priority = right-of-way
   • pub = public house = bar
   • Quid = Pound Sterling
   • railway = railroad
   • roundabout = traffic circle
   • regulator = accelerator or throttle
   • sleepers = ties of a railroad track
   • spanner = wrench
   • spot = small amount
   • tank engine = railroad engine that carries its own supplies (needs no tender)
   • teatime = coffee break
   • telly = TV
   • tender engine = railroad engine that pulls a tender car for supplies
   • torch = flashlight
   • trafficator = turn signal
   • tram = streetcar
   • trolley = handcart
   • truck = livestock wagon
   • tube = subway
   • tyre = tire
   • up (direction) = towards London
   • underground = subway
   • valve = vacuum tube
   • van = boxcar
   • wagon = wagon, railroad freight car
   • wireless = radio
9. I) Words, typos, or phrases that aren't, but have obvious meanings:
   • Givernment
   • Fish eaten in Seagullks (or maybe Seagullps)
   • Internerd
   • Skeptitupid
   • Pollutical Candidtarts
   • Computer Prograsms
   • Swatellite Dish (or is it Squatellite dish?)
   • Pewfume
   • Mouse Potato
   • Hill and Billary Clintoon
   • Postphone a meeting
   • Down Frilled Pillows
   • 2 out of 3 Clintons agree
   • Disgrontificator
   • Lergal Briefs
   • Flysplatter
   • Poofreading
   • Computer Progblammers
   • Lets get orgasnized
   • Widdle down the budget
   • Scratch and Stiff Snicker
   • Ucrograms (from u used as micro)
   • A 4-helicopter verdict
   • Beelzebubba
   • Let's get the expletive out of here!
   • Bart Simpleton
   • Obviosity
   • Tallyotals
   • A Sticky Goobject
   • The Bazlloon shot around the room when he let it go.
   • Windfinger Politician
   • Unidentified Frying Objects
   • Tiglath-Pilsener
   • Clintessential
   • Illergible
   • Downtrodding
   • A man-carrying hot-air balloom.
   • Bilk Linton
10. Slang is often used to cover up illegal, immoral, or fattening activity, or to denigrate those who try to remove such activities:
    • stooge = person who tells a story or acts to mislead others
    • scam = trick somebody into giving away money or property
    • mark = victim of a scam
    • draw = person to distract the mark
    • grifter = pickpocket
    • griftsense = ability to pick a pocket without the mark feeling it
    • hanger binger = pickpocket who can take wallets from shoulder purses
    • hook = sell sex
    • hooker = woman who sells sex
    • hook = addict someone
    • book = take bets illegally
    • shaved deck = deck of cards that are slightly wider at one end than at the other
    • rougher = one who uses an instrument to roughen the edges of certain cards, to detect them by feel when dealing
    • loaded dice = dice with their probabilities altered
    • tops = mis-spotted dice
    • floaters = dice loaded by hollowing one side
    • weighters = dice loaded by adding weight
    • square = fair gambling device
    • passers = dice loaded for 3 and 5, to make points easier in craps
    • miss-outs = one die loaded for 3 and 5, the other for 2 and 4; makes 7 easier
    • hudge = to nudge a pinball machine quickly, changing the ball's path while avoiding a tilt penalty
    • bug = a tiny illegal listening device
    • Ad Council = propaganda machine
    • contributions = taxes
    • health care plan = government takeover of medicine
    • social gathering = campaign fund raising on government property
    • intolerance = Biblical morality
    • homophobe = Bible believing Christian who avoids sin
    • misinformed = anyone who votes conservative
    • stolen revenue = tax cut
    • number of the beast = social security number
    • infonoid = person who collects personal data on people
    • phreak = someone who steals long distance calling service
    • phone cop = investigator who detects illegal phone use
    • slam = changing someone's long distance company without permission
    • spam = send unwanted e-mail to people over the Internet
    • smokey = highway patrolman
    • chocoholic = chocolate addict
    • tube steak = hot dog
    • food cop = person who berates you for eating something unhealthy

ANSWERS:

The word is "only." Here are the ten sentences:

1. Only I helped my dog carry my friend's slippers yesterday. (Nobody else helped.)
2. I only helped my dog carry my friend's slippers yesterday. (I didn't do all of it.)
3. I helped only my dog carry my friend's slippers yesterday. (I didn't help the cat.)
4. I helped my only dog carry my friend's slippers yesterday. (I don't have two dogs.)
5. I helped my dog only carry my friend's slippers yesterday. (I didn't help chew them.)
6. I helped my dog carry only my friend's slippers yesterday. (Not my slippers too.)
7. I helped my dog carry my only friend's slippers yesterday. (I have no more friends.)
8. I helped my dog carry my friend's only slippers yesterday. (She has only one pair.)
9. I helped my dog carry my friend's slippers only yesterday. (Not three weeks ago.)
10. I helped my dog carry my friend's slippers yesterday only. (Never again!)