CUT THE CAKE

OR HOW EGALITARIANS CAN RUIN EVERYTHING

At a workweek-long camp for children, Egalitarians decided to make sure that every kid got exactly the same amount of cake. So they tried several different plans. None of them worked right:

  1. DAY ONE
    The Plan
    • There are several different cakes.
    • The cake pans were deep so there were no corner or edge pieces with extra icing.
    • Each kid gets a number alphabetically.
    • Each slice of cake is numbered.
    • Each kid gets cake when his meal is eaten and cuts the slice of his own number.
    The Complaints
    • Several pieces fell apart because they were cut out of the middle of the cake.
    • Several kids complained that they were allergic to the flavor of cake they got.
    • Some kids said their pieces were smaller than the pieces other kids got.
    • One kid got a pile of crumbs because that was all that was left of his slice.
    • One kid couldn't eat anything but the icing because he is gluten-free.
    • One kid couldn't eat the icing because he is diabetic.
    • One kid's piece was gone when he got to the cake. He didn't get any.
    Score: 10 bawling kids
  2. DAY TWO
    The Plan
    • There are several identical cakes (all white cake with white icing).
    • The cake pans were deep so there were no corner or edge pieces with extra icing.
    • Camp workers cut the cakes.
    • Each kid gets a number by random drawing.
    • Each slice of cake is numbered.
    • Each kid gets cake when his meal is eaten and gets the slice of his own number.
    The Complaints
    • Several pieces fell apart because they were cut out of the middle of the cake.
    • Some kids said their pieces were smaller than the pieces other kids got.
    • Three kids got piles of crumbs because that was all that was left of the slices.
    • One kid couldn't eat anything but the icing because he is gluten-free.
    • One kid couldn't eat the icing because he is diabetic.
    • Six kids didn't like white cake.
    • One kid used his number from yesterday and got seconds with his new number.
    • Two kids' pieces were gone when they got to the cake. They didn't get any.
    • Several pieces in each cake were not served because those numbers were not drawn.
    Score: 17 bawling kids
  3. DAY THREE
    The Plan
    • There are several cakes of three different flavors (white, yellow, chocolate).
    • The cake pans were deep so there were no corner or edge pieces with extra icing.
    • One mathematically inclined worker with a ruler cut all of the cakes.
    • Each kid gets a number by random drawing from one of three flavor bins.
    • Each slice of cake is numbered.
    • Each kid gets cake when his meal is eaten and gets the slice of his own number.
    The Complaints
    • Several pieces fell apart because they were cut out of the middle of the cake.
    • Five kids got piles of crumbs because that was all that was left of the slices.
    • One kid couldn't eat anything but the icing because he is gluten-free.
    • One kid couldn't eat the icing because he is diabetic.
    • Two kids used their numbers from earlier and got seconds with their new numbers.
    • Three kids' pieces were gone when they got to the cake. They didn't get any.
    • Several pieces in each cake were not served because those numbers were not drawn.
    Score: 15 bawling kids
  4. DAY FOUR
    The Plan
    • There are several cakes of three different flavors (white, yellow, chocolate).
    • All of the cakes are gluten-free and have sugar-free icing.
    • The cake pans were deep so there were no corner or edge pieces with extra icing.
    • One mathematically inclined worker with a ruler cut all of the cakes.
    • Each kid gets a number by random drawing from one of three flavor bins.
    • Each slice of cake is numbered.
    • Each kid gets cake when his meal is eaten and gets the slice of his own number.
    The Complaints
    • Several pieces fell apart because they were cut out of the middle of the cake.
    • Eight kids got piles of crumbs because that was all that was left of the slices.
    • One kid couldn't eat the cake because he is allergic to flaxseeds in the gluten-free cake mixes.
    • Ten kids said they didn't like their cake because it tasted funny.
    • Three kids used their numbers from earlier and got seconds with their new numbers.
    • Five kids' pieces were gone when they got to the cake. They didn't get any.
    • Several pieces in each cake were not served because those numbers were not drawn.
    Score: 29 bawling kids
  5. DAY FIVE
    The Plan
    • They fired the egalitarians and used common sense.
    • They made large cupcakes in three flavors (white, yellow, chocolate).
    • Those needing gluten-free or sugar-free could order special cupcakes.
    • The cupcakes were all the same size.
    • Each kid got to choose any cupcake he wanted.
    • Each kid chooses a cupcake when his meal is eaten.
    • Extra cupcakes were made in each flavor. Seconds were allowed.
    • Leftover cupcakes were kept for other uses or given to the staff.
    The Complaints
    • Two kids didn't like their cake because they wanted a flavor not provided.
    • One little girl fell face first into her cake. They gave her another piece.
    • Many cupcakes were left over.
    Score: 3 bawling kids

Government should learn from this story.