Every day, I open my emailer to find tons of mail intended to sell me things I either don't need or never heard of. Why these people think I need these things is beyond me. And why do they keep wasting their efforts on me once they notice that I don't reply? Do they expect that suddenly my mind will turn into mush and I will want their ridiculous products?

Here are messages to some of the worst offenders:

  1. Viagara, Vigera, Vaguera, and Vigaro:

    I realize that much of the population goes wild over sex. But some of us are attracted by other pursuits, and some of us are religious, and are offended by the blatant sexual material in your ads. If we aren't interested, we are not interested.

    Go away!

  2. Fake jobs that break the law:

    Have you no shame? You dupe poor people who are unemployed into taking your "jobs" packaging and shipping fraudulently-obtained merchandise overseas. They get in trouble with the law instead of you, and they end up having to pay back the value of the goods you stole. And often you don't even pay them for the "work" they did. News TV shows have worked hard to uncover these scams.

    YOU are the one who belongs in jail. They will catch you sooner or later

  3. Nigeria scammers:

    You also have no shame! You dupe poor people into sending you money on your false promise that they will get a fortune. Of course, we know that really there is no money. They send you the fee, and never hear from you again. Note that you are not duping rich Americans. The rich don't fall for these schemes. The money you are wheedling for yourselves comes out of the money that would otherwise feed poor children.

    YOU belong in jail. If the authorities don't find you, God will.

  4. Fake lottery winnings:

    And you also have no shame! You also dupe poor people into cashing your worthless checks and sending you the "taxes" due on the winnings. Then the bank wrongly comes after THEM, instead of you.

    A real lottery withholds the money for the tax authorities BEFORE sending the check. Again, you are not duping rich Americans. The rich read about these schemes in the paper and online, so they don't fall for these schemes. The money you swindled for yourself came from some poor person who can barely get by.

    If the authorities don't find you, some of your victims will - with weapons!

  5. Investments, stocks, and bonds:

    Are you aware how offended an unemployed person is when you send them offers to buy stocks, bonds, and other investments? They are having enough trouble feeding their families. They don't need you rubbing it in their faces just in how bad their economic situations are.

    If we want stocks, we will buy them without your silly ads. Leave us alone!

  6. Rare coins and stamps:

    Are you aware how offended an unemployed person is when you send them offers to buy these objects intended as an investment. They need money to feed their families, and you want them to buy your junk. Instead of wasting money and time sending them ads, why don't you send them that money to live on?? Your greed is showing.

    If we want this trash, we will buy it without your constant pestering. Buy your own coins!

  7. Real and fake Rolex watches:

    Absolutely the LAST thing I need (or want) is an expensive watch. In my line of work, I would end up busting it in ten minutes. I can't even imagine why anyone wants one, other than as a worthless status symbol.

    A Rolodex is much more useful than a Rolex!

  8. Replica pens:

    A replica pen???? What's that? Just what I needed (but not very much)!

    It sounds like the two-year warranty and lifetime refill supply they offer for a pen that is going to be lost or smashed before the ink runs out. Of course, those events are not covered by the warranty.

    If I need pens, I buy a 10-pack of Bic Stiks and put them in my desk drawer.

  9. Prescription drugs over the Internet:

    Do you really think I am that stupid? I don't know where you got the drugs. For all I know, they are:

    And if you are selling Canadian drugs in other countries, you are stealing from the taxpayers who subsidize the low prices.

    On top of that, you are breaking the law if you sell prescription to people in the US without requiring a prescription from a doctor.

    People who want legitimate drugs don't have to use the Internet to get them. Stop scamming!

  10. $$oE7flith=yurt@ica%43*!ppn~ngrll:

    Why do you send me zxnrbl? Replica pens make more sense than zxnrbl.

    Whatever your reason is, I am not going to read your message. When I see zxnrbl, I throw it where it belongs: In the trash. Then I empty the trash.

    If I ever need some zxnrbl, I will write my own.

  11. I am also wise to the fake greeting cards and false memos.